Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm just crazy horny about you
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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