we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
