I heard we made out
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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