Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
