I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
