Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
