Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize