I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
