Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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