Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
