i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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