There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
