I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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