I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
