It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
