Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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