just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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