worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize