just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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