I am puke
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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