I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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