I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
