mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
