Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
