I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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