we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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