oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
