I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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