i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
