Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
