Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
