Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
