i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
