Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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