If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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