Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
