Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
