So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
