I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
