At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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