hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
