I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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