my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
