we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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