I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
i now understand why vodka
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
