I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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