You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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