The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
