DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Drake has all the answers
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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