She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
