Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
no, he came in my armpit
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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