My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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