just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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