pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
