just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
