can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
