I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
