Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
