Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
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Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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