I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
No subtext here. People are naked.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
