Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
