She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
