we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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